God Knows

Earlier this week I talked to our doctor's nurse about the tests results from last week. She said there was nothing to be concerned about and I should come back in 6 months. Uh, WHAT!! So if everything looks fine, why am I having all this pain? And why am I waiting 6 months to come back? We talked to another nurse we've been working with and she said that was ridiculous, that we should reschedule to go back in 2 months. It still bothers me that if there's nothing of concern why am I having the pain but we meet with her again on Tuesday so we'll ask some more questions.

We were able to get Princess fingerprinted last night. And praise the Lord we got in the mail the letter from our insurance we've been waiting for. Our social worker told us today she is finishing up the last of our home study so now we just have to wait for the background check and fingerprint check to come back. Pray with us that they will come back quickly!

I received this note from one of our Pastors today:

I am praying for you. One thing that is always a blessing for me to remember is this, my Godly heart's desires are always on God's mind, therefore I don't need my mind to always be pre-occupied by them. When they come to my mind I say to myself, "God knows!"

Wow, God's timing is amazing. That was just what I needed to hear. Going back to the doctor has brought up all sort of questions (should we be going to the doctor, how far do we go, do I have surgery if that's what they suggest, etc, etc). I've been worried about the finances for the adoption too. I so long to stay home, at least part time when the baby comes and if we have to take out a loan to cover the rest of the adoption fee I'll have to go back to work outside the home. It was so good to be reminded that God knows my hearts' desire. He knows.

We wait in hope for the Lord; he is our help and our shield. In him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in his holy name. May your unfailing love rest upon us, O Lord, even as we put our hope in you. Psalm 33:20-22

Now that's strange

We had our last meeting with our social worker tonight for our home study. This one was at our home and she also wanted to meet with Princess.

Me: Kim will want to meet with you by yourself tonight.

Princess: Ok

Me: Are you nervous?

Princess: No

Me: You don't get nervous meeting with strange people?

Princess: Well, I get to meet with you every day.


Ha ha. I meant "stranger". Princess is cool as a cucumber, at least that's what she tells me and Hubby. Hopefully she's like that inside her heart too.

Our meeting went well - as far as we know. I guess we'll find out in a few weeks when we get the home study report back. I didn't even go crazy cleaning. I was so proud of myself. I did the basics and put as much clutter away as I could but not too much wacko cleaning. It's a good thing to - we did a quick tour that took about 2 minutes and that was it.

Speaking of strange - it's a strange feeling to be close to having this done. I really haven't allowed myself to get too excited and neither has hubby. I suppose that's natural and probably good for us to guard our hearts. I shouldn't really say that we're close to having it done - our wait could be a year. Lord willing, it won't be but only He knows and we're trusting in His timing.

Another strange thing happened today. I had the ultrasound and other test that I can't remember the name of and if I wasn't so lazy I'd look it up but I am lazy so too bad! Anyway, during the ultrasound the technician says, "do you still have your ovaries?" (yes) and then a little while later she said, "do you still have your appendix?" (yes). I politely said yes each time but on the inside I was saying "HELLO! You are the one looking at my insides - you tell me!!" So that made me wonder what she was seeing and unfortunately I'm not privy to that information until the doctor calls. For the other test we got some more, I guess you can call it strange, information. The doctor said my fallopian tubes are open so that's great. But then he said there's a mass in my uterus. "It could be an air bubble but you should probably have it checked out."

Now that's strange. Kind of in the make you want to puke, worry like crazy, what in the world is in my uterus, kind of strange.

What blog?

Jeez louise, you'd think my brain exploded. These last few weeks it's like I've completely forgotten I had a blog. That's weird! It's probably cuz we have alot of stuff going on and I'm just plain tired. So here's an update...

We had two amazing Thanksgiving meals. Hubby and I prepared one here at our house for his family. That was at noon. Then we packed up the car and drove two hours and had another amazing meal with my family and stayed there for a day. Then we came home and worked like crazy on our house, finishing up little things like trim, outlet covers, etc.

Icky icky. I haven't been feeling well. Remember my wacked out, psychotic, hormonal, pain inducing reproductive system? Well each month it's gotten worse. I've been seeing a gazillion doctors and such and until we get something figured out I've just felt icky and some days it's real hard to get out of bed.

Adoption. So close. THIS WEEK we have our last meeting with our social worker and then our home study is final (I know, it's about time!). Then we wait but it's a better wait because we've done everything we have to do, other than wait. Actually I'm also working on our background check information. For those of you who have never done this you have to write down EVERY address you've every lived at. EVERY ONE. Yes, the farm that we lived on for 6 months. Yes, that apartment in Colorado we lived in for 9 months. These people are crazy, that's all I have to say. But thanks to Google Earth we've found our past addresses and I just have to get that typed up.

Icky icky. A little bit more about this. I went to a specialist today to see what our options are. Option #1 have a hysterectomy (this from a doctor who does very few of these). Option #2 take narcotics to relieve the pain I'm experiencing (99% sure from endometriosis and poly cystic ovary disease). Option #3 take Lupron which will put me into menopause. Will relieve the pain but give me all the menopause symptoms and of course no pregnancy. If we still want to pursue fertility options then there's option #4, continue charting with the Creighton Model for 2 months and then go back and decide if we should have surgery (would be my 5th).

So in order to help us with our decision tomorrow I'm having an ultrasound (both regular and pelvic) and another test (can't remember the name) to see the extent of the endometriosis and other things that might be in there. I gave about 2 gallons of blood today and those results will be back in a week. They put both me and Pat on two kinds of antibiotics to get rid of any bacteria that may be messing things up. And if I don't want to take the narcotics she gave me some other options, like how much Motrin I can really take without overdosing. We really like this doctor. She has a strong faith, is easy to talk to, took as much time as we needed and is honest about our options. She's worked and trained with the doctor that created the Creighton Model so that's encouraging. She asked us if we've considered adoption. Uh, ya :-) She encouraged us to continue with the adoption, even while looking at fertility options.

So that's it in a nutshell. Why I've been absent from the blogging world. I've sure missed you all and hopefully life will eventually get back to some sense of normal - whatever that is, I'm not sure.

Magazines You Won't Find at the Grocery Store

I was browsing through the magazines the other day and this is what I found...

Cooking For 2
Country Home
All About Beer
Popular Mechanics
CabinetMaker
Tango
Bridal Guide
Figure
Bass Player
Bowhunt America
Camping Life
Rugby
Shark Diver
Industrial Hygiene News
Water Garden News

However I was unable to find these magazines...

Adoption News
Angry Infertile Women
Step-Parent Etiquette
Couples Who Can't Conceive

Oh well. Off to read my Big Game Fishing Journal!

My wacked out, psychotic, hormonal, pain inducing reproductive system

Rated M for mature audiences! :-)

We've decided to tackle my wacked out, psychotic, hormonal, pain inducing reproductive system again.

Way back in college, about 1994, I had my first experience with my wacked out, psychotic, hormonal, pain inducing reproductive system. I woke up to excruciating pain and went into the bathroom. I passed out as I got out of the shower (even put a huge hole in the wall where my head hit!). Anyway my roommate takes me to the ER where they find out I have grapefruit size cysts on my ovaries. I go into surgery after they tell me they may need to take my ovaries. Oh gee, that's comforting! Thankfully that didn't happen but one of the cysts had ruptured causing internal bleeding so they couldn't use a scope, they had to cut me open....which started this whole big mess with my wacked out, psychotic, hormonal, pain inducing reproductive system

Long story short, I've battled cysts and pain every month since then. In addition, since that first surgery scar tissue has grown and grown around my ovaries and created all types of havoc. My first husband and I battled infertility and saw numerous doctors all of them telling us they didn't really know what was wrong, I have scar tissue and that's probably what's wrong, the only way to get pregnant is to do invitro.

So when hubby and I got married I knew we'd have this battle again. We've also been to numerous doctors, all of them saying the same thing. We've never pursued invitro, just never having peace about it and feeling we'd rather spend $10,000 on adoption. However, I've heard of other "methods" to treat infertility and we've never looked at those options. I would make an appointment or actually see a different doctor but then give up after a few months. Not sure if I'm just lazy, or doubtful, or sometimes I think I convince myself that God doesn't need these doctors for me to get pregnant. I know that's true but I also know my body has a wacked out, psychotic, hormonal, pain inducing reproductive system and that God can use these doctors to help bring healing. I don't want to look back 10 years from now and regret not looking into other things.

So yesterday after once again having to deal with my wacked out, psychotic, hormonal, pain inducing reproductive system I started to do some research and ask close friends about their experiences.

On Friday I have an appointment with a doctor/chiropractor/massage therapist/acupuncturist. She's had specific experience with infertility and even if I don't get pregnant I would love to find some relief from my wacked out, psychotic, hormonal, pain inducing reproductive system. Then next Tuesday I have an appointment with a family doctor who works alot with infertility and who works closely with the Creighton Model. My first question will be if my tubes are messed up or I have all this scar tissue and fibroids, then will the Creighton Model really do anything? And then just in case the family doctor wants me to see a OBGYN specialist I made an appointment with an OBGYN (3 weeks from now) that specializes in wacked out, psychotic, hormonal, pain inducing reproductive systems and infertility.

I can't say that I'm looking forward to having a gazillion needles poking me but I'm told by some dear friends that it's not that creepy and that the acupuncturist doctor is really great. She is a graduate of my alma mater's rival so that brings me great concern. Go rabbits!

At the same we still feel called to adopt so we're going to proceed with our adoption plans. We have orientation on October 6th with the agency that will be doing our home study and possibly our adoption. (We haven't decided 100% yet if we should do an agency or private adoption.)

Hubby is so patient as I deal with my wacked out, psychotic, hormonal, pain inducing reproductive system and for that I'm very grateful. He's promised that he'll encourage and support me through another round of doctoring. One of my friends said it's pretty much a part time job charting all that needs charted for the Creighton Model but if it can bring healing and maybe even a little one I'm ready for the challenge!